I have currently reached my 24th lap around this big blue marble...
And I've learned a lot in those years, but I feel like I learned the most important lesson of all this past few months.
Selfishness..
I feel like that word has always had a bad connotation in that a person only thinks for themselves. In fact, Webster's dictionary defines 'Selfish' as:
And yes, that sounds horrible, and I am certainly not here to give you a vocabulary lesson, but lets hone in on a part of that sentence. |
| "Selfish." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 14 Aug. 2017. |
"Seeking or concentrating on one's own well-being"
Shouldn't we be taking care of ourselves? I certainly think so. But let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.
Let me take you to the beginning to how I learned the importance of selfishness. It all started during my previous semester. As an engineering student, ALL the semesters are hard (not knocking down any non-STEM students, we all work hard!). But this semester in particular was special, us students colloquially called it "Death Row" and lemme tell ya' it was aptly named! It was the most immersive, intensive, and another "i" word that isn't in my vocabulary. This semester included proponents such as heavy research based learning, tedious lab procedures and complicated electronic hardware projects (including making a EKG from scratch.. more on that later)
Well, safe to say that I had a very heavy workload and I didn't want to be selfish. I became selfish out of necessity......for my own sake.
So I went on with the semester. Did the heavy reading, did the ridiculous projects and all the crazy labs. I did is selfishly, in the sense that I was 'concentrating on my own advantage' and despite it being the hardest semesters I've ever gone through, it was the best I had ever done. I received great grades, I got offered several internship positions, and was even a part of an team that won an engineering competition!
I felt like a phoenix bursting out of the ashes of my bad habits (Oh yeah, I'm picturing Fawkes from HP), but along that path, came some destruction. Destruction of losing friends. In the process of more study time, I found myself spending less and less time with my friends. I thought that our friendships were strong enough, but as it turns out, it wasn't. My friends started sending those messages saying "why aren't you talking to me?" or "where have you been?!". I calmly said "well, I've been busy studying, y'know, trying to better myself". Oh how the tone quickly changed. The messages became "you're being a horrible friend" and "if you were a real friend, you would have made time for us". I'm sure that I am not completely without fault in this situation but this was the pivotal moment that lead to it. Probably one of the most important lessons I can learn in my 20's.
This isn't a post to rag on my former acquaintances, in fact, I thank them for forcing me to learn this lesson. In the process of this, I found that I needed to think of myself. I have always put others in front of my own interests and through that, I found that I was living a life full of compromises and none that had my best interest in mind. And that made me reevaluate everything in my life. Everything. I looked at how I structured my life and none of it helped better me and for that, I was unhappy. I may have had all of these friends and all of this attention, but it wasn't who I was. I was playing all of these roles to please everyone and in that process, I lost myself (sounds clique, I know. But they are cliques for a reason). In those moments of being alone and reevaluation, I found myself, truly found myself.
Now I know what you're thinking, you're probably thinking what a horrible friend I am and in a way I probably am. But I didn't lose all my friends. I lost some. I found that my true friends stayed by my side. They lifted me up when I was both at my highest and lowest. And I know, I am incredibly selfish to think of myself first. But let me ask you this,
If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you make others happy?
I am selfish.
I am.
But my selfishness makes me uncompromising in my beliefs, my goals, and my life. I find myself more passionate about issues that are near and dear to me. I find myself more focused on my goals and doing all to achieve them, and I find myself more loving to those who are willing to let me.
So I urge you, be selfish and believe in yourself.
with love,
Jemimah
So I went on with the semester. Did the heavy reading, did the ridiculous projects and all the crazy labs. I did is selfishly, in the sense that I was 'concentrating on my own advantage' and despite it being the hardest semesters I've ever gone through, it was the best I had ever done. I received great grades, I got offered several internship positions, and was even a part of an team that won an engineering competition!
I felt like a phoenix bursting out of the ashes of my bad habits (Oh yeah, I'm picturing Fawkes from HP), but along that path, came some destruction. Destruction of losing friends. In the process of more study time, I found myself spending less and less time with my friends. I thought that our friendships were strong enough, but as it turns out, it wasn't. My friends started sending those messages saying "why aren't you talking to me?" or "where have you been?!". I calmly said "well, I've been busy studying, y'know, trying to better myself". Oh how the tone quickly changed. The messages became "you're being a horrible friend" and "if you were a real friend, you would have made time for us". I'm sure that I am not completely without fault in this situation but this was the pivotal moment that lead to it. Probably one of the most important lessons I can learn in my 20's.
This isn't a post to rag on my former acquaintances, in fact, I thank them for forcing me to learn this lesson. In the process of this, I found that I needed to think of myself. I have always put others in front of my own interests and through that, I found that I was living a life full of compromises and none that had my best interest in mind. And that made me reevaluate everything in my life. Everything. I looked at how I structured my life and none of it helped better me and for that, I was unhappy. I may have had all of these friends and all of this attention, but it wasn't who I was. I was playing all of these roles to please everyone and in that process, I lost myself (sounds clique, I know. But they are cliques for a reason). In those moments of being alone and reevaluation, I found myself, truly found myself.
Now I know what you're thinking, you're probably thinking what a horrible friend I am and in a way I probably am. But I didn't lose all my friends. I lost some. I found that my true friends stayed by my side. They lifted me up when I was both at my highest and lowest. And I know, I am incredibly selfish to think of myself first. But let me ask you this,
If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you make others happy?
I am selfish.
I am.
But my selfishness makes me uncompromising in my beliefs, my goals, and my life. I find myself more passionate about issues that are near and dear to me. I find myself more focused on my goals and doing all to achieve them, and I find myself more loving to those who are willing to let me.
So I urge you, be selfish and believe in yourself.
with love,
Jemimah
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